Jokes

lostcreekranch

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Back in the 70's I found a cartoon of two guys riding on an elephant and since we had two management guys working in the garage, one an alcoholic and the other best described as incompetent, I penciled in their names on the cartoon with little arrows pointing to the guys on the elephant and hung it up on their shop bulletin board.
Likely the only truth you've ever posted .. you .. a s s h o l e.
 

Pixguy

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Last try.

One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." So the father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars." So the little boy go's and asks and sure enough she says yes. His dad says ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars. So, he does and sure enough she says yes. So the father says, "You see son, hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically, we are living with a couple of wh ores ."
 

JerryBob

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I pointed to small circle and said, "This is your a ss hole before prison....."
 

Pixguy

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He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than singlewomen?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 

Pixguy

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God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and
unmarried *** if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try
her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight
of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my
panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in Heaven", said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!
 

Mace Canute

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A man is walking home one foggy night,
When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

Faster and faster he goes, until he finally reaches his house. Out of breath, he lets himself in and slams the door shut behind him, locking the deadbolt. He backs away from the door as he hears banging on the other side:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

CRASH!

The coffin bursts through the door, unhinging its lid. The lid swings wildly as it hops after him, and he screams and runs up the stairs.

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

Clappity-thump…

He runs into the bathroom and shuts the door, cowering against the back wall. Again, it rams into the door, smashing it open.
The man searches frantically for something to defend himself with. He sees a bottle of cough syrup on the counter and snatches it up. Desperately, he throws it at the coffin, and............The coffin stops.
 

Mace Canute

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An old Texan decides to retire and move to the Rocky Mountains after living his whole life on the Texas plains. A few months later a friend comes to visit.

"What do you think of the mountains?" his friend asks.

"They are okay, but they sure obscure the view."
 

Schrute Farm

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Lots of conflicting info on the subject but I think I have it narrowed down.

In 1873, the democrats invented the condom by using the lower intestine of the goat.

In 1875, the Repubiicans improved upon the idea by removing the intestine from the goat first.
 

JerryBob

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

"Oh, really! What'd he say?”

He said: "Who screwed up your hair?
 

JerryBob

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Two bananas are sitting in a river bank...
when a turd floats down the river and yells at the bananas, "Come on in! The water is just fine!"

One banana looks at the other and says, "Do you believe that s hit?"
 

JerryBob

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How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist?
Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.
 

JerryBob

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What did Melania put behind her ears to attract Donald?


Her ankles!
 

Pixguy

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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to a bar.

Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says,

“The media is really tearing you apart for that Scandal.”

Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Being the mastermind of the so-called “Arab Spring” that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?”
Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to give sarin gas to the “moderate” terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians, and framed Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya?

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “The creation of the biggest refugees crisis since WWII?”

Trump: “No the other one:”

Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos? ”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ ?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean the INSIDER TRADING of the Tyson chicken deal I did where I invested $1,000 and the next year I got $100,000?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean when Bill met with Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, just before my hearing with the FBI to cut a deal?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: ” You mean the one where my IT guy at Platte River Networks asked Reddit for help to alter emails?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean where the former Haitian Senate President accused me and my foundation of asking him for bribes?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean that old video of me laughing as I explain how I got the charges against that child rapist dropped by blaming the young girl for liking older men and fantasizing about them. Even though I knew the guy was guilty?

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean that video of me coughing up a giant green lunger into my drinking glass then drinking it back down?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean that video of me passing out on the curb and losing my shoe?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean when I robbed Bernie Sanders of the Democratic Party Nomination by having the DNC rig the nomination process so that I would win?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “You mean how so many people that oppose me have died in mysterious was?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “Travel Gate? When seven employees of the White House Travel Office were fired so that friends of Bill and mine could take over the travel business? And when I lied under oath during the investigation by the FBI, the Department of Justice, the White House itself, the General Accounting Office, the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee, and the Whitewater Independent Counsel?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “The scandal where, (while I was Secretary if State), the State Department signed off on a deal to sell 20% of the USA’s uranium to a Canadian corporation that the Russians bought, netting a $145 million donation from Russia to the Clinton Foundation and a $500,000 speaking gig for Bill from the Russian Investment Bank that set up the corporate buyout?. That scandal?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “That time I lied when I said I was under sniper fire when I got off the plane in Bosnia?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “That time when after I became the First Lady, I improperly requested a bunch of FBI files so I could look for blackmail material on government insiders?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “That time when Bill nominated Zoe Baird as Attorney General, even though we knew she hired illegal immigrants and didn’t pay payroll taxes on them?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “When I got Nigeria exempted from foreign aid transparency guidelines despite evidence of corruption because they gave Bill a $700,000 in speaking fees?”

Trump” “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “That time in 2009 when Honduran military forces allied with rightist lawmakers ousted democratically elected President Manuel Zelaya, and I as then-Secretary of State sided with the armed forces and fought global pressure to reinstate him?”

Trump: “No, the other one.”

Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware, when Bill left Office?”

Trump: “THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one”.

It's difficult to understand just how anyone could be upset that a person that involved themselves in all the above lost in a election. It's even more difficult to understand just how anyone would cast their ballet for such a candidate..
 

JerryBob

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A man goes into heaven and there he meets jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says “that is mother teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied”. “There is Abraham Lincolns clock. He has .lied twice so it has moved twice.” “Where is Donald Trump’s?” Ask’s the man. Jesus answers “it is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan.”
 

Schrute Farm

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Joe Biden and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Joe Biden is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb *** put him up there to begin with."
 
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