Jokes

JerryBob

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A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
 

JerryBob

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My opinion on abortion and the 2nd Amendment is kinda complicated.

I'm all for killing people but I cant stand giving women rights.
 

JerryBob

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A man named Twig was walking with his ca mel in the desert and he was so horny
he decided to f**k the ca mel. He tried to put his d ick in the ca mel but the ca mel moved it’s a ss left and right so he couldn’t. So he decided to keep going with the ca mel in the desert until he heard a scream for help. He went over and found a very hot woman sinking in quick sand so he saved her. She thanked him and told him that she would do anything he asks.......he told her.......hold that ca mel’s a ss for me .
 

JerryBob

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He is truly is an immature mean to the bone idiot. Other than that he's probably a good boy.
Schitts....that is just not true.....do you read Twig's comments? Do you agree with what he says? Have you ever called him out? Just because you both have a nal fetishes.....him ca mels....you beets......you need to be more fair and honest.
 

Schrute Farm

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Schitts....that is just not true.....do you read Twig's comments? Do you agree with what he says? Have you ever called him out? Just because you both have a nal fetishes.....him ca mels....you beets......you need to be more fair and honest.
Whatever I think of him changes not how low my opinions are of you. If you don't understand that, go ask an adult.
 
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JerryBob

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Whatever I think of him changes not how low my opinions are of you. If you don't understand that, go ask an adult.
Here's your mistake....you seem to think I care what you think......I don't. My point was simple....you are a two faced a-hole......and a Trumplican.....live with it.
 

Schrute Farm

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Here's your mistake....you seem to think I care what you think......I don't. My point was simple....you are a two faced a-hole......and a Trumplican.....live with it.
Haha. IOW, you've got nothing. When you gonna come for my stash tough guy? Keep claiming to care for the blacks while you fight to keep them under educated and poor while you do nothing to help them out of their poverty. Loser!
 

lostcreekranch

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Poor little beet for brains!
YOU should stand back and realize .. how stoopid YOU sound with YOUR "beet" crap. Or .. YOU should just keep licking D I P S H I T's S a c k.

But .. since YOU have NO self control .. YOU won't be able to stop.

Have you ever considered, revising your screen name to .. FAT KAREN Canute? Or perhaps .. Mace the FAT TWAT?
 

JerryBob

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What did Twig do and say when he came across a ca mel?

Wipe it off and say he's sorry
 

JerryBob

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A man was on a hike with his best friend.
They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends face starts to turn white.
“Dude, what’s wrong?”

His friend starts screaming and running down the hill. He starts to scream,
“DON’T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!”

The man is very confused. He decides that he might as well not run after him, so he starts to walk down the hill.

Once he got to the bottom of the hill, he went to the small shop for hunting gear near the forest. The shopkeeper is an old friend of the mans father. He walks into the store and the shopkeeper says,
“Boy, you look off. What’s wrong?”

He replied, “I’m not sure what just happened. I was on a hike and my friend just ran off!”

The shopkeeper asked “What made him do that?”

The man started, “Well, I picked up this purple flower-“

The shopkeeper cut him off. “A purple flower!? Do you have it with you?”

The man said “Yes.” and pulled out the flower.
The shopkeeper started screaming. “GET OUT OF MY STORE!” he yelled. He pulled one of the rifles from the wall and started to load it. The man immediately ran out of the store and down the dirt road.

He made it to the suburbs of his town. He thought, “Wow, today has been crazy. I can’t wait to tell my girlfriend this.”

He called a cab and started down the road. The driver made conversation.
“Hey, how ya doin?”

“Oh, not great.”

“Huh? Why’s that?”

“It’s a very weird story. I was hiking with my friend when I found a purple flower. He ran away from me, then-“

The cab driver cut him off. “A purple flower?”

The man pulled out the flower and said, “Yes, this flower right here.”

The driver slammed on the breaks and screamed, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR!”
He was pushed out of the car.

He started the walk to his girlfriends house. Once he finally got there, he opened the door to his girlfriend preparing dinner. He decided it would be best not to mention the flower until after he had dinner.

They sat down and begin to ate. His girlfriend asked, “Did anything interesting happen today?”

To which the man couldn’t help but reply, “I was hiking with my friend today when I found this purple flower, and then he started-“

Unsurprisingly, his girlfriend cut him off. “Purple flower!?”

“Yes,” the man said. He was bracing for the screaming, and then it hit.

“GET OUT! GET OUT NOW! WE NEVER DATED! WE NEVER EVEN MET!”

He walked out the door as it was slammed behind him.

Confused, he went to his parents house for guidance. He knocked on the door and they opened it, happy to see their son. They watched TV and talked for a bit before the flower cake up.
“Mom? Dad?” he said.

“What is it?” his mother replied.

“Today, I found a purple flower on a hike, and everyone’s been screaming about it the whole day!”

“That’s horrible,” his father said. “Do you have it with you? I want to see it.”

Relieved, the man pulled out the flower. His mother took the pillow next to her and put it over her face. His dads face turned beet red. He
screamed,
“GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE! YOU’RE NOT MY SON! I NEVER HAD YOU!”

He ran out of the house, sobbing. It was now getting dark and he was soaked from the rain. He sat down at a bus station next to an old woman. The old woman looked at him and said,

“You look distressed. What’s wrong?”

He explained.
“Well, today I was on a hike with my best friend when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a purple flower. I picked it up and he started running and screaming. I was confused and then went to the hunting shop near the mountain. I walked in and showed him the flower and he sent me out of the store! Then I got a taxi to go to my girlfriends house, but when I told him about the purple flower, he threw me out. Then, once I got to my girlfriends house, I told her, and then she said that she hated me and never even knew me! Then, I went to my parents and asked them about it, and they threw me out too! I don’t know what’s going on.”

The woman nodded. “You know, there’s a library across the street. You could probably find something about it there.”

The man lit up. “Thank you so much!” he said. He started running across the street and then he got hit by a bus and died.

Moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the road.
 

JerryBob

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A man was going ice fishing.
He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is astounded, as he watches the younger man catch fish after fish after fish. He decides to ask him about it.

“Son, I’ve been here for a while now, and I still haven’t gotten a nibble, yet you’ve only been here for 20 minutes, and you’ve already caught a dozen fish. What’s your secret?”

The younger man mumbles something unintelligible, prompting the first man to ask him to say it again.

The younger man talks louder, but his words still can not be made out.

The older man once again says that he can not understand, so the younger man spits out the worms he had in his mouth, and says, now clear as day, “You have to keep the bait warm.”
 
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