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Jokes

JerryBob

Peanut Gallery
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An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.
The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were going 75 in a 55 zone," the officer says.

The driver replies, "No sir, I was going just a little over 55."

The woman says, "Oh Stuart! You were going at least 80 and hit the brakes when you saw the cop car on the side of the road!"

The man gives his wife a dirty look.

The officer says, "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

"Broken tail light?" the man replies. "I didn't know about a broken tail light."

The woman exclaims, "Stuart! You've known about that tail light for weeks!"

The man gives his young wife another dirty look.

The officer then says, "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

The driver replies, "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

"Stuart," the pretty woman says, "you know you never wear your seat belt!"

The husband bursts out, "Shut your mouth, woman!"

The officer takes a moment, and then says, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?"

"No," she says, "Only when he's drunk."
 

Mace Canute

Blabbermouth
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A man ignores advice to wear masks, avoid large gatherings, and get the COVID vaccine. When he dies after contracting the virus at a party, God tells the confused Christian that he gave public health officials the intelligence to develop the vaccine and to educate the public about social distancing, hand-washing, masks, and other measures. “I imparted wisdom to your leaders, who realized the dangers of COVID-19 and how humans could protect themselves,” God says to the man. “Many of your leaders made sure they communicated to everyone. What more could I have done?”
 

JerryBob

Peanut Gallery
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Twig recently decided to try taking dewormer for COVID treatment.....

So far he's not not sure if it’s helping with the COVID but he has stopped dragging his a ss on the carpet
 

JerryBob

Peanut Gallery
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Twig had a rectal exam today from Schitts and it hurt like hell! He told Schitts.....take off your ring before insertion.

Schitts said, "Ring? That's my watch!"
 
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